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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24089794">At the end of the day I’ll walk with the heart of a lion</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverlandAwaitsUs/pseuds/NeverlandAwaitsUs'>NeverlandAwaitsUs</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Outer Banks (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 22:13:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,320</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24089794</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverlandAwaitsUs/pseuds/NeverlandAwaitsUs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>JJ Maybank is about as local as they come. Latest in a long line of fishing, drinking, smuggling, vendetta-holding salt-lifers who made their living off the water. Best surfer around and mild kleptomanic, probably also a future tax cheat.</p><p>But what made him into the young man he is now?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>JJ (Outer Banks) &amp; Other(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>At the end of the day I’ll walk with the heart of a lion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Okay so this one...well. It's kinda taken a life on it's own. It was supposed to be just a small OneShot about JJ's early home life, a few headcanons thrown in here and there about his mother, how his father became so shitty. Things like that.</p><p>Now you've 10k for JJ's background how I imagine it. It starts with his pre-school life and goes up until the vanishing of Big John, so around a year before the show starts.<br/>I hope you enjoy!</p><p>Warnings: Domestic abuse, child abuse, drugs, alcohol, violence, angst</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>There was a time, I used to look into my father's eyes<br/></em> <em>In a happy home, I was a king I had a golden throne</em></p><p> </p><p>“Mom, look”, the blonde boy said and came running into the house, holding a dead fish as high up in the air as he could. “I caught it all on my own!”</p><p>His mom turned around and smiled at the boy literally glowing with excitement, patting his head. “Good job, JJ”, she said and crouched down in front of him to place a kiss on his cheek. </p><p>“This is going to be a feast!”, his father exclaimed as he came up behind his son, carrying a box with fish and ice inside.</p><p>It had been the first time that his dad has taken him fishing and JJ loved every second of it. It was pretty exciting for a six year old after all. He had been nagging his father about this for weeks and today was the day he had finally agreed. </p><p>JJ had literally jumped out of bed this morning, way earlier than usual, only to crawl into the bed of his parents to wake them up with excitement in his voice. </p><p>“Mom, mom, can I help?”, he said and climbed up on the counter where his dad had placed the fish, looking inside the box.</p><p>“Are you sure you can handle such a big knife?”, his mother asked and showed him the knife she was going to use.</p><p>“I’m a big boy!” He pouted a little at his mother, he could fish so he could totally prepare dinner with it.</p><p>It took a little longer than usual but dinner was ready soon enough and he felt like he was the happiest kid on earth right now. He liked the outdoors things with his father but also really liked helping his mother around the house. Cooking, baking, cleaning, it didn’t matter to him as long as he could spend time with her.</p><p>“Can we go again soon?”, JJ asked his father, his mouth still full of food and it made his dad laugh.</p><p>“Sure we can, buddy. But first we have to fix your tree house okay?” His father smiled at the young child in front of him and JJ nodded. </p><p>They had built a treehouse together a few months ago but the last storm hadn’t been kind to it, so it needed some fixing. It was JJ’s favourite place to be when he wanted to be alone, sometimes he would even sleep there when it was warm outside. He had a pretty good view over the property and felt like a king in his home.</p><p>The boy grinned and kept eating as fast as he could as his favourite cartoon was about to start soon and missing even a second of it was not an option.</p><p>Later on he was snuggled between his parents on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, watching TV. A particular scene involved the protagonist going to school and JJ clapped his hands.</p><p>“I’m so excited for school!”, he said and snuggled closer to his mother who slowly stroked his blonde hair that he had clearly gotten from her.</p><p>After this summer the first year of school would start for the small boy and he had been talking about it for quite some time. It was probably normal for kids that age to be excited about going to school but JJ had always been so full of energy that he seemed even more excited.</p><p>“Bedtime story?”, he yawned when his show was over and his dad was carrying him to his bed. </p><p>“You know I’m not good at telling stories”, his father answered and JJ just chuckled against his neck.</p><p>“You always say that and you still tell me stories afterwards.” It had become their routine ever since JJ had asked for the first story years back and his father would always try to deny it.</p><p>Of course he got another story and, as usual, he fell asleep during that. His father gave him a kiss to his forehead before leaving the room. It might have been a small room but big enough for a kid his age, decorated with love by his parents.</p><p> </p><p><em>When everything you do<br/></em> <em>Don’t seem to matter<br/></em> <em>You try but it’s no use<br/></em> <em>Your world is getting blacker</em></p><p> </p><p>School certainly hadn't been what he had expected. Actually, he hated it most of the time. He wanted to go fishing with his father, spend time with his mother, learn how to surf even though the waves would swallow him. Sitting in a cramped classroom together with other kids he didn’t get along with wasn’t his favourite activity. The learning was fun, sometimes but everything else was a nightmare for the active kid that prefered to run around instead of sitting still.</p><p>“I don’t want to go there anymore”, he said one day as he came home, throwing his backpack into a corner and falling face down onto the couch. It’s only been a few months but he was already done with it, already trying to think of a job he could get at his age already but coming up blank.</p><p>“Why’s that, sweety?”, his mother asked and walked over to him to pat his head gently.</p><p>“The other kids are mean!”, he said as he sat up, pouting at his mother. “They make fun of me because I can’t read as well as the others!”</p><p>“Oh, you’ll learn soon enough. School only just started, it just takes a while.” His mother kissed him on his forehead and sat down next to him but JJ didn’t want to hear it. His parents had always told him he was a really smart boy but right now he felt really stupid.</p><p>“But they laugh about me because I’m the only one!” He didn’t understand why it was only him that had trouble with letters and words.</p><p>His mother pulled him on her lap and into a hug. “Some are faster, some are slower. That’s okay.”</p><p>“Am I dumb?”, he suddenly asked and his mother laughed softly, shaking her head. The other kids had been calling him dumb quite often and it didn’t seem to stop, no matter how many times his teacher scolded them.</p><p>“No, you’re one of the smartest boys I know”, she said and he pulled away, grinning from ear to ear at her, a small twinkle in his eyes. If mom said that, that had to be true, right? Mom was the best, after all. The kids wouldn’t be smarter than his mother.</p><p>“Can we make a cake?” He really loved baking with his mother.  He himself wasn’t very good at it but his mother was very skilled at baking all kinds of goods.</p><p>His mother agreed and they went on to the kitchen. “But don’t eat all the batter before we actually make the cake!”</p><p>JJ just giggled and nodded. </p><p>He would do it anyway.</p><p>It would only take a couple of more weeks until the young boy decided to do something against the bullying he had to endure.</p><p>“JJ, what happened?”, his mother asked as she came into the office of the principal with quick steps. They had called her and she had come as fast as she could, worried about her little boy. He just sat there on the chair that was way too big for him, swinging his feet back and forth.</p><p>“Nothing”, he mumbled and didn’t look at her, too ashamed of himself.</p><p>“Mrs. Maybank, good that you’re here”, the principal said and got up to shake her hand briefly, signing her to take a seat next to JJ’s before sitting again. “Your son broke another student’s nose today.”</p><p>“You what?”, she asked and put a hand over her mouth in shock while looking at the normally so innocent boy next to her. “Why would you do something like that?”</p><p>“He kept teasing me because I can’t read well and because I’m smaller than the others! And dad said I should stand up for myself and not take any of their shit!”, he said loudly, angry that no one seemed to understand his situation.</p><p>“JJ! Language!”, his mother rebuked him and he pouted even more. “I’m so sorry that happened, is the other child okay?”</p><p>“He will be but this is unacceptable behavior. If this keeps happening we have to suspend or even expel your son”, the principal explained and JJ’s mother ran a hand through her hair, not sure how to handle all of this.</p><p>“Yes of course. I’ll make sure it won’t happen again.” She nodded in agreement.</p><p>The principal asked JJ to leave the room for a moment and wait outside. After the boy left he leaned over on his desk, closer to the woman in front of him. </p><p>“There’s also a thing the teacher had noticed. Your son might be dyslexic. That’s probably the reason why he gets in trouble with other students. We would like to test this with him, can we make an appointment soon? If it’s confirmed he can get the support he needs to catch up.”</p><p>The blonde woman agreed and soon enough it was proven that JJ was in fact a dyslexic. They finally had an answer why he had troubles reading and writing but the bullying still didn’t stop and JJ wasn’t one to just keep taking it without a fight back.</p><p>Following weeks were full of talks with teachers and the principal as JJ was acting out even more. He didn’t hurt them bad and only defended himself when he got bullied again but he had always been the one to get in trouble the most.</p><p>Therapy was even in the talks and also extra lessons for kids who were struggling. One of many things that JJ started to hate about school. He really liked math, biology and sports but staying in school longer only because he couldn’t read so well? Ridiculous. He tried to sneak so often that his teachers had to accompany him to the extra classes.</p><p>His mom was slowly getting all over her head with him and his father...well. He was at home all the time currently after losing his job but didn’t seem to care about his family too much right now. He was dwelling in self pity and prefered to drink away his pain.</p><p>The first time JJ had come home from school and saw his father passed out on the couch he thought that he was dead, freaking out but only waking him up with it, earning a scolding for that. His dad had gotten quite loud and that was totally new for the young boy.</p><p>It wouldn’t be the last time he would find his father like that, he only didn’t say anything about it anymore, simply accepting the fact that his dad seemed to be tired a lot.</p><p>“Mom?”, he asked as she was tugging him in one day. </p><p>“Why is dad like that? He is drinking so much and sleeps a lot. Is he tired because he’s trying so hard to get a job?” He still didn’t know why he needed the alcohol for that but as his parents always had told him, alcohol is for grown ups and he shouldn’t care about it too much.</p><p>His mother sighed and tears were building up in her eyes while she shook her head. “He will be fine, I’m sure he’s trying really hard to find one in the mornings when you’re at school. And then he is so exhausted he needs to sleep.”</p><p>“But why the beer? It smells and tastes horribly”, he answered and pouted, his eyes full of wonder because he couldn’t grasp the concept of it. For him, any kind of alcohol smelled bad and every time his father let him try a tiny sip it was disgusting.</p><p>“Sleep now”, his mother simply replied and pressed her forehead against his for a second before turning the light off and leaving the room.</p><p>His father hadn’t tugged him in in weeks.</p><p>No one had told him bedtime stories ever since.</p><p> </p><p><em>I hear her scream from down the hall<br/></em> <em>Amazing she can even talk at all<br/></em> <em>She cries to me go back to bed</em></p><p> </p><p>It was at the end of the next summer that his father came home with a huge grin on his face.</p><p>“Honey, I bring good news!” The older man came into the house while his mother and JJ were baking cookies, enjoying the time together while his father was out of the house for once.</p><p>“Oh?”, she simply said and cleaned her hands to turn to her husband, JJ sitting on the desk and sneakingly putting his finger in the batter. He really had a sweet tooth.</p><p>“I found a new job at the docks!”, he said and pulled her into a hug, swirling in a circle. The little boy grinned at his parents finally looking happy again.</p><p>“That’s wonderful”, his mother said and pressed a kiss to his lips.</p><p>JJ didn’t really listen to his parents talk about boring jobs, the only thing he hoped was that his father would stop with the beer and tell him bedtime stories again.</p><p>“Would you please leave some of the batter in there?”, his mother said as she came back to him and he already had another finger of it in his mouth, grinning sheepishly at her.</p><p>When the cookies were done he went over to his father in the living room, giving him a huge plate of cookies. “For you! To celebrate the new job!”, he said and smiled at his father which caused the older man to ruffle his hair.</p><p>“Such a good boy”, he said and took one of the cookies that were still warm and JJ looked behind to his mother, beaming with pride at her but she didn’t seem to look. He tilted his head while watching her for a moment how she just stared off in the distance.</p><p>She was probably happy on the inside, that’s what he had hoped.</p><p>He would soon enough find out that he was wrong about that.</p><p>JJ returned home after a long day of school and extra courses a few months later, he was exhausted and annoyed. He was improving but only really slowly and it was annoying him that the other kids seemed so much smarter than him. He didn’t really understand that it wasn’t his fault.</p><p>Even before he opened the door he could hear yelling inside the house. The voices of his parents were clashing and he bit his bottom lip, hand still at the doorknob. They seemed really angry and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go inside right now. </p><p>When he was about to turn around and go to the treehouse instead, the door opened and his father was standing in front of him, eyes filled with anger and he was breathing heavily. He didn’t say a word, just slightly shoved the boy aside before getting to his car and driving off.</p><p>JJ watched him leave before going inside, dropping his bag immediately after seeing his mother sitting on the floor.</p><p>“Mom!”, he said and ran over to her, crouching down besides her. “Are you okay?”</p><p>Her eyes were filled with tears and she seemed hurt but she just nodded. “I’m fine, sweety”, she sand and pulled him into a hug, sobbing slightly against his shoulder. He wrapped his little arms around her and didn’t say a word.</p><p>“Where did dad go?”, he asked after a long moment and his mother shook her head.</p><p>“I don’t know. Probably to work, you know he has to work really weird hours.”</p><p>The boy nodded and grabbed his mother's hand, trying to pull her up on her feet. She smiled at him with sad eyes and got up, dusting off her clothes before going to the kitchen. It looked like she was walking a little weird.</p><p>“What were you fighting about?”, JJ asked with curiosity and her mother shook her head at him once more.</p><p>“Not now, JJ. Go to your room and make homework okay?”</p><p>His face dropped and he pouted before he went to get his backpack. He hated when they had secrets from him and for some reason he felt like there was a lot that he didn’t know.</p><p>Instead of doing his homework he looked out of the window, waiting for his father to come home but it was in vain. He was also pretty sure he could hear his mom crying and he really wanted to go and hug her but she didn’t seem to want him there right now.</p><p>Three days would pass before his father returned home, drunk and with a lot of money in his hands.</p><p>The little boy had no idea that his father’s new job involved smuggling and his mother had found out.</p><p>He hadn’t seen the first time his mother got hit by her own husband.</p><p>He would hear a lot of crying from the bedroom the following weeks.</p><p> </p><p><em>Hey mom, hey dad<br/></em> <em>When did this end?<br/></em> <em>Where did you lose your happiness?</em></p><p> </p><p>Second grade was almost over and things had changed at home. He couldn’t put a finger on it when exactly it had happened but he could feel that there was a lot of sadness in his mother and a lot of anger in his father.</p><p>He sat outside on his swing that was right under the treehouse, his parents were inside, having a grown up talk he wasn’t allowed to listen to even though he was dying out of curiosity. At first he thought about sneaking to the kitchen window that was open so maybe he could listen to them but then he was sure they were probably fighting again and he didn’t want to know that.</p><p>They had to love each other, that’s what parents did, right?</p><p>His mother didn’t smile anymore, not even when he came home with good grades or when he baked her cookies. Nothing made her smile. She tried to fake it but he could see that her eyes were still sad no matter how much she smiled.</p><p>His father on the other hand was away quite often but whenever he came home he barely talked to his mother. JJ didn’t know why and when he asked, they always said it was fine when it was clearly not fine.</p><p>No one had watched his cartoon with him for a while now and he never got to hear those bedtime stories from his father again, not even with the new job as he had hoped. Instead of this, he had to go to bed alone because his mother would lock herself into the bedroom in the evening and his father was either out at work or at home drinking. JJ didn’t like that.</p><p>“Don’t you dare to leave!”, Luke suddenly yelled angrily and JJ looked up, watching how his mother left the house with quick steps, hurrying over to the car almost as if she tried to run away.</p><p>His father caught up to her fast and grabbed her arm, pulling her back to him quite forcefully.</p><p>“Let go of me!”, she yelled right back at him and hit his arm multiple times but it was in vain. The grip was strong and there was no chance of getting away now.</p><p>JJ stopped the swing and got off it, walking over to his parents and looking at them with big eyes. They were fighting again. It seemed bad. He didn’t want it to be bad, why was this happening?</p><p>“Dad?”, he asked as he stopped next to them with a little distance. There was something about his father that scared him so he didn’t dare to go closer. “I think mom wants to go.” His voice was quiet, almost like a whisper but it was loud enough for his parents to notice and look over to him. It was an obvious fact that he was starting but for him, it seemed important to tell his father at this moment.</p><p>“None of your fucking business, kid.” The tone was harsh and it shocked JJ, his father had never talked to him in such a way. He took a step back and his bottom lip started to wobble a little. His dad had been barely angry at him and even then, it was just a mild scolding. This time, it felt like a vocal hit to the face.</p><p>“Luke!”, his mother hissed and he turned back to her, glaring into her eyes.</p><p>“What? Tell your worthless son to use his brain something in school instead of annoying grown ups! Maybe then we will get a little bit of peace and not worry about him anymore”, he growled and didn’t look at JJ again before letting go of the woman, walking inside with heavy steps, slamming the door shut behind him.</p><p>JJ just blinked at what happened, tears dwelling in his eyes when he looked at his mother. Her face fell and within a moment she was kneeling in front of him, holding his face in her hands.</p><p>“Oh sweetheart, he didn’t mean it like that. He is just really stressed from work”, she tried to explain and pulled him into a hug where the boy started to sob. Why would his father call him something like that? He normally only called small fish they didn’t need worthless. He didn’t want to be like that.</p><p>He had no idea what was going on but he didn’t like it. The fighting, the sadness, the anger, the yelling, all of it. Was it his fault?</p><p>“I don’t like his new job”, he sniffled against her shoulder and she nodded in agreement.</p><p>“Don’t tell anyone, okay? Nothing good would happen then. Promise me?”; she asked with a gentle voice as she was brushing a strand of hair out of his face and he bit his bottom lip and nodded.</p><p>JJ had no idea that the coming week would be even worse than what he had just experienced.</p><p>His mom was away a lot, would leave when he was at school and come back in the late afternoon which almost always caused a fight with his father when he was at home. It was a constant yelling of ‘Where have you been?’ and ‘Who did you visit?’ like his mother wasn’t allowed to even leave the house.</p><p>He spent an awful lot of time in the treehouse as soon as it got worse. Home didn’t feel safe anymore with all the yelling and his parents not even paying attention to him anymore. There was no fishing, no baking, no bedtime stories. He sometimes felt like a stranger in his own house.</p><p>During another warm night he had decided to sleep in the treehouse so he wouldn’t need to see his father drunk on the couch or hear his mother's cries from the bedroom. At some point he got thirsty and the sun was already gone so he figured it would be safe to go inside. </p><p>He came in from the side, tip-toeing into the kitchen to get himself a glass of water which he gulped down pretty quickly, filling up another to take it with him into the treehouse. They didn’t have water bottles anymore, the only bottles in the house were beer bottles.</p><p>JJ was almost out of the house again when he heard the sound of something breaking and his mother’s voice screaming out in pain. He blinked and walked over to the bathroom where the door stood open enough to see what was happening.</p><p>His father was towering over his mother as she was leaning against the dresser, a lamp and a few books on the ground.</p><p>The glass of water dropped to the ground and shattered into pieces as the young boy saw how his father’s fist connected with his mother’s face. It took him only a second to sprint over and jump on his father’s back.</p><p>“Dad, stop!”, he yelled and was already in tears. His appearance shocked both of his parents and made them freeze in place, especially his father.</p><p>It was long enough for his mother to slip out of him.</p><p>“I’m done with you!”, she spat at him and grabbed an already packed bag before getting out of the house.</p><p>JJ slowly let go of his father and dropped to the ground, looking up at his father with eyes full of terror.</p><p>“See what you have done!”, Luke yelled and went to run after his wife.</p><p>The young boy on the ground just looked after his father as the tears continued to roll down his face. </p><p>Was it his fault his mother had left?</p><p>That’s at least what his father kept telling him in his drunken rage the following weeks because his mother did not return home. </p><p>She never came back again and he started to blame himself too.</p><p> </p><p><em>Because of you<br/></em> <em>I'm ashamed of my life<br/></em> <em>Because it's empty<br/></em> <em>Because of you<br/></em> <em>I am afraid</em></p><p> </p><p>Life had been a nightmare ever since his mother had left them. He never even heard from her again. That was one of the many reasons why the boy thought that it was his fault. If it wouldn’t be, she would at least write him a letter or call, right? But she didn’t, not even for his birthday.</p><p>No one in school wished him a happy birthday because no one knew, not even the teachers. Or they didn’t care so he didn’t care much either as he just wanted to get home and into his treehouse to hide from the world.</p><p>As he came home he checked the mailbox but there was nothing. He had prayed every night that his mother would send him a birthday card but it was as empty as his stomach.</p><p>He gulped when he walked into the house only to find his father snoring on the couch, surrounded by beer bottles that hadn’t been there this morning. A sad sigh left his mouth when he was looking around. No birthday decoration, no cake on the table with candles to blow out, no gifts.</p><p>His father probably didn’t even know it was his birthday. How could his lovely father turn into that angry man in front of him was beyond the young boy. It hurt so much. He had never felt so lonely in his life.</p><p>When he went over to the fridge his stomach made some loud noises and he held it with his left hand, rubbing it a bit. He didn’t have any lunch money for school so that hadn’t been an option. Sadly, the fridge didn’t seem to be an option either as it was only filled with a couple of beer bottles.</p><p>JJ bit his bottom lip and looked over to his father. He had to ask him as he didn’t have any money to buy something.</p><p>His legs were a little shaky while he was walking over to his father, the last time he had woken him up during one of his drunken naps it ended in lots of yelling and throwing things around.</p><p>“Dad?”, he said very silently and shook his father’s shoulder slightly but the older man didn’t even move. “Dad”, he tried again this time louder and Luke finally moved a little, grumbling something under his breath. “Dad!” This time his voice was actually loud enough for his father to stir.</p><p>It took only a moment for the older man to grab the hand of his son and hold it tightly. “The fuck you want?”, he asked and groaned loudly, putting his free hand against his head, having quite the headache from drinking all night long.</p><p>“I’m hungry”, the boy said and bit his bottom lip only to get a glare from his father who let go of the small arm between his hands, sitting upright.</p><p>“So what? Make yourself some food”, he replied with anger in his voice and reached over to a full beer bottle.</p><p>“Dad, please. Stop drinking and buy food, I don’t have any money for that!”, JJ said with frustration washing over him. “If mom would be here this wouldn’t be happening at all!”</p><p>That caused his father to glare even more at him and he got up within a flash, shoving the boy to the ground into some empty beer bottles which broke, cutting JJ’s arm. He hissed in pain and looked up at his father with fearful eyes.</p><p>“It’s your fault she is gone! Get a job if you want money!”, Luke screamed at the child in front of him, throwing the full bottle at him, the impact right next to his head. The smell of alcohol reached JJ’s nose and his whole body was shaking, not sure if his father had actually aimed at the ground or just missed his head.</p><p>His father had never hurt him until today.</p><p>Deep in his bones he felt like it wasn’t going to be the last time.</p><p>Weeks passed by and he had to adapt to his father’s moods or else he would get a beating, over and over again. Whenever he said or did something wrong he would immediately feel it. Bruises were covering his body but when a teacher or another child asked what had happened he would just lie, telling them he fell while playing, things like that. After all, he had promised his mother to keep quiet about it or bad things would happen.</p><p>He was wandering the streets with an empty stomach once again, not quite sure where to go, he just didn’t want to be at home with his father, so he tended to spend as much time away from the place he used to love as possible.</p><p>At some point he reached a place where he had never been before and if he was honest, he didn’t even quite know how he got here, probably a wrong turn he took at some point. There was a house and it was a little hidden from the bushes but it had a pier and seemed quite bit.</p><p>“Hey there”, someone behind him said and when JJ turned around he looked into the eyes of a boy with fluffy hair that was longer than his own.</p><p>“Hey”, he replied, not quite sure what to make of the situation. The other boy was holding a ball in his hands and grinned. JJ felt like he had seen him around, probably at school but as he wasn’t a fan of other kinds, they probably never talked.</p><p>“I’m John B.!”, the other child said and held one of his hands out, waiting for JJ to shake it which he did.</p><p>“JJ”, he replied and smiled slightly back. Before he could say anything else his stomach was rumbling loudly and John B started to laugh.</p><p>“You hungry, JJ? My dad makes the best pasta and it should be done soon!”, the brown haired boy said and seemed totally excited for such simple food, something JJ could understand. Yesterday he had to eat moldy bread because his father didn’t get groceries again, it was a surprise he wasn’t ill yet.</p><p>“I’d love that”, JJ said and grinned, following John B. to the house where he also met the father of the other child, a nice man that took care of his son, something JJ only barely remembered.</p><p>They became friends quite quickly and soon enough, JJ was at John B’s place more than anywhere else. Not even the treehouse could compete anymore. Luke never asked where he had been anyway and Big John, John B’s father, never asked any questions as he seemed to notice the sadness inside of the blonde boy.</p><p>With them, JJ didn’t feel so lonely anymore, knowing he had a place to go when he needed food or just a hug. Big John became like a second father to him, one that was worth being called like that. He wasn’t judged here, was bullied because of being dyslexic and Big John would always help him with his homework, something Luke had never done at all.</p><p>Since JJ was coming here, the beatings almost stopped as he barely saw his own father anymore. If it was for him, the Routledge family could just adopt him but sadly that wasn’t an option.</p><p> </p><p><em>I never noticed, until I focused<br/></em> <em>On everything you did, you said<br/></em> <em>You lit the fuse inside my head<br/></em> <em>Thank you for reminding me<br/></em> <em>Of why I'm sick inside<br/></em> <em>Thank you for the venom<br/></em> <em>Did you think it would paralyze?</em></p><p> </p><p>Four years had passed with JJ living at John B’s place more than his own, four years had passed without a word from his mother. At this point, she was dead to him. It was easier to call her that instead of thinking that she is out there, maybe happy with another family.</p><p>He was a teenager now and with that, he noticed the change around him quite well. He wasn’t a little kid anymore that only got glimpses of what was going on.</p><p>His father was a smuggler and a drug dealer and the only things he ever bought with that was alcohol. JJ hated him and normally he would be happy to have Big John as his second father.</p><p>Sadly, things had changed at the Chateau. Big John had become obsessed with a ship called ‘The Royal Merchant’, some legendary ship that sunk and had a lot of gold on board. He didn’t pay as much attention to the boys as before and didn’t tolerate JJ at his home that often anymore as the boys were quite loud when playing and hanging out.</p><p>Big John still loved both of them dearly but he wasn’t good at showing it anymore, so the boys spent a lot of time outside, doing their own thing, things that mostly weren’t really legal but no one cared anyway, so why should they? Shoupe showed up sometimes to scold them but they never really did anything so bad that he needed to arrest them. Most of the time the also simply ran away and Shoupe let them go.</p><p>It was also the time where the problems with the Kooks started. As soon as Middle School started, a lot of the former ‘normal’ kids went to a private school, some kind of Academy at Figure Eight and a bunch of them went off to private schools, not good enough anymore to learn at the same place like people from the Cut.</p><p>If you seperate kids like that, making one side feel special and the other side feel worthless, it wouldn’t take long for them to drift apart. The rich kids felt superior, were arrogant and threw around with money.</p><p>JJ was just someone from the Cut who didn’t have any money, sometimes didn’t even have food and with his temper, he was easily provoked by a lot of them. That was one of the reasons why he was at the police station currently.</p><p>A few of the boys who bullied him in his early years for being dyslexic and not having the best clothes were Kooks now, well, had always been but now it was showing even more. It had ended up in a fight which he had lost as they had been five and he had been alone, John B probably at home where he should be late at night.</p><p>“JJ? Your dad is here”, Deputy Shoupe said and JJ’s clenched his hand into a fist to stop his body from starting to shake in the first place. He already knew this wouldn’t end well but there was nothing he could do about it.</p><p>“I’m so sorry that you had to put up with him. I’ll teach him a lesson”, Luke simply said and Shoupe sighed, already expecting what the home life might be as Luke had been at the station quite often himself, mostly for drunken rampage.</p><p>“Make sure he understands that law actually applies to him and he isn’t a kid anymore. He is 13 years old and should act according to that,” the deputy tried to explain as he didn’t want to bring kids here that often but sometimes he had no other choice.</p><p>He had no idea that JJ would become a regular at the station just then.</p><p>The blonde boy huffed at the words of the deputy, his body tense and clenching his jaw a couple of times. He had no desire to go home with his father only to get beat up, maybe he could run away as soon as they got out of the station, Luke wouldn’t chase him because at the end of the day, he didn’t seem to give a shit about him.</p><p>Luke nodded and grabbed his son’s arm, pulling him outside a little more forcefully than needed. </p><p>“Let go of me”, JJ hissed and tried to get his arm loose but Luke wouldn’t have any of it. He only let go as soon as they were in the car. So much for trying to run away.</p><p>“Listen you little shit, I don’t care if you’re around or not but for god's sake, don’t make me get you out of there, understood?”, Luke sounded angry but the boy next to him was more surprised that he didn’t get hit in the face already. Cramped spaces with his father couldn’t be a good thing and JJ just waited for the first right hook to hit him.</p><p>The boy didn’t say anything, simply looked out of the window while biting his bottom lip. Luke grumbled something under his breath before he started the car and drove them home.</p><p>To no one’s surprise, as soon as they got home JJ got pushed around, got yelled up, his father kicked him to the ground and gave him a couple of bruises together with a lot of insults that had burned into JJ’s mind at this point. He was used to all of this and yet it hurt so much, every single time.</p><p>It was the first time in quite a while that he had slept in his own bed, too exhausted to leave this place that had turned from home to hell. He should have run away again, to the Chateau or to the woods, somewhere where no one could hurt him but his body was giving out.</p><p>The next day he was about to get out of the house but his father saw him. “Where are you all the time anyway?”, Luke asked but didn’t sound really interested.</p><p>“Why do you care? At least I’m not drinking my life away”, JJ huffed and was about to get out of the house but stopped in his tracks, seeing his father’s wallet on the small table that was standing next to the door.</p><p>One look back in the living room to make sure his father was busy watching TV and he reached into the wallet, taking out a couple of bucks, not counting them. He simply put them in his own pockets and was out of the house.</p><p>After he was away in safe distance he counted the money and grinned when he saw that it was at least 60$. An idea was forming in the back of his head and he went downtown.</p><p>Later that evening he and JB were out with the boat. Big John taught them how to use it and only told them not to go too far. Thankfully his friend didn’t bring up his bruised face, JJ didn’t want to think about it, simply wanted to enjoy the time.</p><p>John B was quite surprised when JJ pulled out weed and alcohol.</p><p>“We gotta live a little, man. With your old man being busy and mine being an asshole, we have to look out for ourselves!”, JJ said as he stood at the bow and took the first pull on the blunt. He started to cough heavily and JB laughed loudly.</p><p>“Yeah, you’re not sounding like you’re going to survive that”, he teased and earned a glare from JJ.</p><p>It was the first time they got drunk and high and it would for sure not be the last time.</p><p>It also ended up in JJ getting beat up heavily by his father as soon as he found out that his son stole from him.</p><p>Only another reason to look for an escape from the world.</p><p> </p><p><em>So why do good girls like bad guys?<br/></em> <em>I had this question for a real long time<br/></em> <em>I've been a bad boy and it's plain to see<br/></em> <em>So why do good girls fall in love with me?</em></p><p> </p><p>The past year had passed quickly enough and life wasn’t getting any better, not really. At least that’s what a sane person would say. JJ on the other hand found his life to be getting quite good, drowning his sorrows in alcohol and weed he consumed at parties at first, then also whenever he felt like it.</p><p>Deep inside he knew this wasn’t healthy and he shouldn’t do it, he might just end up like his father but he understood the power of those things to numb your feelings to a point where you didn’t care anymore. The only thing he cared about was having a good time with his best friend. No, with his brother, John B.</p><p>Now that Big John was totally drowning in his research the boys had a lot of time on their hands, skipping school more often to hang out on the boat, surfing whenever they could. JJ had become quite good at it, always claiming he was the best surfer on the island.</p><p>“Who’s that?”, JJ asked one day while they were laying on the beach, taking a break from surfing and enjoying the sun.</p><p>“Who?”, John B asked and looked into the direction where his friend was looking, seeing two girls who just came to the beach. “Oh. I don’t know, some girls?”</p><p>“Yeah, obviously, thank you for that observation. But the blonde one? Damn”, JJ said and licked his lips with a wolfish grin.</p><p>“JJ, no. Leave them be”, John B said with an edge in his voice and JJ raised his hands in defence.</p><p>“I’m just looking okay? Besides, they’re looking back.” He wiggled his eyebrows at JB and then looked back at the girls, waving a little.</p><p>“You’re embarrassing”, John said and facepalmed at his friends being way too obvious. “And you have no idea how to flirt.”</p><p>“Tsk, do you see this face?”, JJ asked and drew a circle around his face in the air. “This face doesn’t even need flirting skills, it’s totally enough. Also, I can flirt, watch me.”</p><p>With that JJ got up and sat down in the sand in front of the girls, talking to them for a while, John B watching him in horror. That was more than embarrassing now and he wished he could just bury himself in the sand.</p><p>Soon enough, JJ was waving him over and he obviously had no choice but to join them.</p><p>They had spent the whole day with the two girls and had a lot of fun with them, showing them their surfing skills and even teaching them some surfing basics. At first everything seemed like they would just be some tourists, here for the summer. Outer Banks was the paradise on earth after all.</p><p>It wasn’t the last time they had met up and soon enough JJ had to admit that he had a crush on Emma, the beautiful girl with blonde hair and green eyes. For him, she was beautiful.</p><p>“So, there’s a party tonight at the beach, you wanna come?”, Emma asked as she sat next to JJ on a fallen tree trunk on the beach and he grinned at her.</p><p>“You mean the boneyard one? I was planning to ask you that”, he exclaimed and she laughed, leaning her head against his shoulder.</p><p>“I can’t wait”, she whispered and he put an arm around her, blushing slightly while they were watching the sea. It was a calm day but he had no idea how messy it would get.</p><p>The party was already going strong when he and John B arrived later that evening and he didn’t waste a second to throw himself into it. Alcohol, weed and the girl he liked in his arms. He had a great time all night.</p><p>“I’m going to take a piss”, he said slightly drunk and Emma nodded, also quite intoxicated. She went over to another girl, probably a friend of her and JJ took another pull at his blunt again before throwing it in the sand, then going over to the woods where no one would see him.</p><p>Unknowingly to him, three boys were following him and caught him off guard while he was following nature’s call.“Hey Pogue!”, one of them said loudly and JJ jumped, pulling his pants up and buttoning it quickly.</p><p>“Damn, I know I have a pretty cock that y’all want to get a look at but don’t scare me to death. Also, not interested in boys, sorry”, he slurred in his drunken state but sobered up as soon as the first punch hit him right in the face.</p><p>Two of the boys rushed behind him to hold him while the one that spoke to him was cracking his knuckles.</p><p>“Leave the hands from my sister, alright? Dirty people like you shouldn’t touch her”, he said and hit JJ in the stomach which almost caused him to puke.</p><p>“Emma’s a Kook?”, he asked in disbelief while trying to catch his breath from the punch. He had no idea until now and it hurt more than it should. She should have told him.</p><p>“Yes, she is. That means she is better than you are, so stay away.”</p><p>The boy punched him again and again before the other two let JJ fall to the ground where he held his stomach in pain, cowering there and watching how blood was dripping from his lips.</p><p>“I already touched her a little bit so sorry about that. Guess she’s dirty now,” he coughed with a small laugh in between.</p><p>The words riled the Kook boy up and he kicked JJ in the ribs until he fell to his side, body bruised and bleeding. He spat on him before he signaled his two boys to leave.</p><p>JJ breathed heavily and felt like his whole body was falling apart right now. He had really liked that girl but the gap between Kooks and Pogues were almost a bottomless pit. Soon enough she would have left him anyway when she found out that he didn’t have any money. </p><p>Her brother had ripped the rose-colored glasses right out of JJ’s face and he sighed heavily.</p><p>His life would probably never change. He would always be that worthless piece of shit that couldn’t do anything right. He would never be worth anything.</p><p>It was only two hours later that John B found him bruised and battered, almost passed out on the ground.</p><p>For JJ, it had only felt like minutes while staring at the sky, watching the trees move in the wind.</p><p>He didn’t want a doctor so John B just took him to the Chateau, wondering why his father wasn’t there but maybe it was for the better right now. He took care of JJ’s wounds and let him rest in his bed while he slept on the couch for the night.</p><p>The next morning, JJ felt like death. His body was hurting, his head was exploding and the realization washed over him that his first crush, his first love, was gone and he had no chance of getting her back. Maybe he was over dramatic as he was only a teenager but the pain was real.</p><p>John B came in with breakfast and sat down at the bed.</p><p>“How are you feeling?”, his friend asked and JJ just scoffed.</p><p>“Exactly how I look like”, he answered and reached to get a sandwich from the plate. Even chewing hurt.</p><p>“I see.” JB said and looked at his brother. His face was bruised badly, several cuts and a blue eye and he knew there were a lot of purple bruises under the blanket. “You going to tell me what happened?”</p><p>“Emma’s a fucking Kook and her brother reminded me that I’m just a dirty pogue”, he explained after swallowing and his eyes were filled with anger.</p><p>“She’s what?! Damn, I didn’t see that coming”, John B said and took a sandwich on his own, putting the now empty plate aside. “I’m sorry, heartbreak is shitty.”</p><p>JJ huffed and clenched his jaw. “A heart can’t break when it wasn’t even whole to start with.”</p><p>Silent fell over them for a while and JJ took a deep breath. Ever since his mother had left them and his father turned into this...monster, he didn’t feel like he was whole. There was a void in his heart that no one had been able to fill. Emma had come close, giving him some kind of love that he had been missing over all those years and yet, that was gone too before it even started. He would probably never see her again and it made him so, so angry.</p><p>“Who’s her brother?”, JB asked after a while, trying to get JJ out of his head before he got deeper into any thoughts he shouldn’t think.</p><p>“I don’t know, it was dark and I had trouble seeing anything, ya know, being drunk and getting beaten up at the same time.” He didn’t want to sound so sarcastic but he couldn’t stop right now or else he would cry. It was a self mechanism kicking in, protecting him from pity and his friends from worry. “But you know what that means, right?”</p><p>“I’m not sure I like where this is going.” John B finished his sandwich and looked at JJ, whose whole body was tense now.</p><p>“It’s war. We pay those Kooks back, somehow. They’ll wish they never got that close to the Cut”, he growled and for a moment, John B could swear that his friend was changing even more.</p><p>The sweet innocent boy with the sad eyes from a few years back were gone, replaced by someone who just wanted revenge on the world.</p><p>In a way, John B could understand him. The anger, the fear, the sadness and he would stay by JJ’s side, no matter what.</p><p> </p><p><em>There's so much more<br/></em> <em>You can reclaim your crown<br/></em> <em>You're in control<br/></em> <em>Rid of the monsters inside your head</em><br/><em>Put all your faults to bed<br/></em> <em>You can be king again</em></p><p> </p><p>Revenge had this funny thing of never ending.</p><p>Pogues vs Kooks. Over and over again. At this point, it was mostly Rafe Cameron and his minions that was annoying them to no end. There wasn’t an exact moment where it had started but given their nature, it was easy for them to provoke people who had less than them. It was a rivalry that wouldn’t end that fast.</p><p>JJ and John B had made some more friends along the way, Pope Heyward and Kiara Carrera. The latter was actually a Kook but after a long time, JJ came to accept her into the group because he had proven herself. She was now one of them, a Pogue, something her parents and old ‘friends’ weren’t fond of.</p><p>He had found a little family within them. A family that didn’t ask many questions when they met up and he was all bruised. At this point, they all knew about his father and that they couldn’t change a thing. He was taking it in silence because he knew he had no other choice. The police wouldn’t care and given that he was at the station quite frequently, he didn’t want their help anyway.</p><p>Overall, authorities weren’t much of his thing. Too often disappointed by the police or his teacher when he was trying to get help without saying it outright because he just couldn’t. No one helped him, he was on his own, he had learned that. If you wanted something, you had to get it yourself. The only people he truly trusted were his friend and trust didn’t come easily with him.</p><p>Life had also this thing of throwing him rocks in the way. Well, this time, it was actually John B’s rock and it was quite a big one.</p><p>His father had gone on a trip to find ‘The Royal Merchant’ and never returned. The authorities didn’t take much time to declare him dead, boat in the storm, shit like that. His uncle was supposed to take care of John B now but well...he wasn’t the most reliable person on this island.</p><p>When it happened, John B had changed quite a bit, sadness and anger taking over him and the only person who was there for him was JJ. He was there all the way during the first three stages of grief and he would stay for the others too.</p><p>First came denial, neither of the boys wanted to accept the fact that Big John was dead. He could still be alive after all, just being lost somewhere. He might find his way home again, no one knew and yet, they claimed he was dead so they wouldn’t need to keep looking. JJ had almost beat up Shoupe at the news but seeing John B just sit in his living room in silence without being able to talk stopped him.</p><p>The world became meaningless for a while and JJ had to accept the fact that it was hurting him almost as much as it hurt John B. It wasn’t his own father that had gone missing but it almost hurt like it was because Big John had been quite a father figure to him all those years. The following days were filled with getting drunk and weed, trying to numb the feelings that were eating them up inside. Everything felt overwhelming at once and the boys were really happy they had Kie and Pope to keep them grounded, at least a little bit.</p><p>It didn’t take long for the denial to pass and suppression of feelings didn’t help anymore. the feelings they were trying to keep inside were coming to the surface and they were a handful.</p><p>Anger was red, anger was fire, anger was starting shit with some Kooks that ended up with the two boys being hurt pretty badly but they finally felt something other than pain on the inside. It helped them to feel alive again after all the numbness.. JJ and John B were at the Chateau, bruised and battered but damn, it had been worth it. It also got them quite the scolding from Kie.Sadly, society had always been afraid of anger but right now, it was the only anchor, especially for JJ who never really learned how to deal with his feelings with anything other than anger, his father had taught him that early on. Sometimes he wished he could control it but it never worked, his fist connecting with a face before he could even finish thinking about it.</p><p>Third was bargaining, something that JB would be doing for the next year until the truth would come out but right now, it was the only thing that kept him sane. JJ on the other hand wasn’t so sure anymore, he was already so done with being in grief. He already knew these feelings from when his mother had left and he hated all of them and yet, there was no way to stop them, they’ve tried that after all.</p><p>“I can’t believe he’s gone”, JJ said to his friend as they were laying on the pier, just chilling and watching the clouds move in peace.</p><p>“He’s not. I know he is alive, I can feel it”, John B said and sighed heavily.</p><p>JJ looked over at him and bit his bottom lip. The loss of Big John almost felt like he had lost his own father. He wasn’t sure if it was okay to feel like this because he knew that it hit John B way harder than him but Big John had always been an anchor in his life, someone he could go to when he had some real troubles even though he didn’t use this option much as he got older but it had always been there.</p><p>But now? Now every option was ripped away from him.</p><p>His mother? Off to somewhere, probably living a better life, one that she deserved. JJ understood that she had to leave because of his father being a violent bastard and her son being a worthless piece of shit. One look at him now would just prove the point. He skipped school, he got drunk and smoked weed on a regular basis, he might have a job but it was only paying enough so he could buy food and beer because his father was only buying one of those two things..</p><p>Speaking of, his father was still a bastard. After Big John’s death and John B’s uncle moving in for a while he didn’t have the chance to stay over as they needed to get their affairs in order. During that time he had to go home if he wanted to sleep in an actual bed and his father didn’t miss a chance to start beating him quite frequently again. JJ knows that he should defend himself, just punch back but at the same time, there was still that fearful child inside of him that screamed ‘No, just take it’. So he was doing just that. Maybe he would have the courage one day but right now, he was still too afraid.</p><p>Big John was out at sea, maybe dead, maybe alive, no one knew. Of course JJ would prefer it if the older man was still alive but the chances were small, he had to admit that. He wouldn’t say it outright to John B, leaving his best friend the little hope he had left.</p><p>“Let’s just hope your uncle manages to get his shit together so they don’t take you to the mainland”, JJ said and sighed heavily while sitting up to look at his feet dangling close to the water. He knew that child services would take his best friend away at some point if it wasn’t working out with his uncle and they only had foster care on the island. He wasn’t going to let that happen.</p><p>“I know he will, he’s already trying very hard”, John B said quite hopeful but one look from JJ and the blonde boy knew that his friend wasn’t so sure about that himself.</p><p>“I’ll sneak you out of here if I have to, off to Mexico or somewhere else”, JJ said and JB started to laugh a little.</p><p>“Thanks, I appreciate the effort.” John B smiled at his friend and JJ grinned back at him, giving him a thumb up.</p><p>“We’ll stay together, no matter what. Someone has to protect your dirty ass from the Kooks anyway.” JJ was pretty convinced he was the best person to protect the people from his group as he had the best right hook.</p><p>“Hey boys”, Kie said as she was arriving at the pier and both of them got up. “I bought some treats.” She held up a basket with food and beer and JJ grinned at her.</p><p>“That’s my girl”, he said and was about to reach over to grab himself a bottle of beer but she just held the basket away.</p><p>“First, not your girl. Second, these are for later”, she said and pushed him away with a hand slightly.</p><p>JJ held both of his hands over his heart. “Ouch, you wound me.”</p><p>Kie just rolled her eyes and she and John B got on the boat. They had planned to go to the marsh together today, just forgetting the world around them with a small party on their own. It had become one of their favourite places.</p><p>“Sorry, I’m late!”, Pope said and came running, breathing heavily.</p><p>“Whoa calm down there before you pass out”, JJ said and clapped his friend on the back who was bending over, hand on his knees, trying to catch a breath.</p><p>JJ and Pope got on the boat too and John B was starting the motor. They had no idea what was coming up for them during the next year.</p><p>The bargaining would soon enough become depression and acceptance with a lot of more rocks in their way.</p><p>The blonde boy was standing at the helm, steering the small boat to the marsh and smiled a little to himself.</p><p>Life wasn’t perfect but it was good enough for him. His found family was there for him if his biological family wasn’t. His father would probably never change and yet, he sometimes felt that Luke loved him, somewhere deep down between the surface, between all the anger and the drinking.</p><p>He promised to himself that he would stand up to his father one day, that he would escape the poverty he had grown up with. He never wanted to be hungry again, never wanted to steal to survive.</p><p>One day he would get out of this life and make something out of it. He may hate his mother to some degree but she always wanted something better for him. </p><p>He wanted to make her proud. He wanted to make his friends proud.</p><p>Most of all he wanted to stop feeling worthless and he would find a way to do that.</p><p>He also promised to himself he would never lose someone again that was important to him and he would do everything for his friends.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>For the people who are interested in the lyrics, these are the songs where I took them from:</p><p>Swedish House Mafia - Don’t you worry child<br/>Skillet - Sick of it<br/>Nickelback - Never Again<br/>5Sos - Broken Home<br/>Kelly Clarkson - Because of you<br/>Shinedown - Sin with a Grin<br/>Falling in Reverse - Good Girls Bad Guys<br/>Lauren Aquilina - King</p><p>Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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